Felt like I needed to….

You ever get the feeling that there is something that you need to do?

I got that feeling the other day.  Last year, a friend of mine had told me about a guy who had an extremely tragic event in his life.  He lost his son AND his wife to a drunk driver travelling on the wrong side of the road.  It’s just him and his remaining 2 boys.

They had a benefit for him last summer.  I remember thinking, ‘Man, that’s got to be rough’.  I donated, of course, hoping that what little I was able to give would help him out.

I didn’t have any idea how tough it was.  I realize that this is not a contest, but I only lost my son.  He lost his youngest son and his wife.  I don’t know what I would do without my wife.

Anyway, that event happened about 18 months ago.  I was thinking about him just the other day.  I know it is a long road for anybody who has to deal with it, so it still has to be pretty fresh in his memory.  I ordered another copy of Kelley Farleys’ book, Grieving Dads:  To the Brink and Back.  http://www.grievingdads.com/pre-order-book/

I wrote him a letter and sent him a copy of the book.  What I have found through my continuous reading and researching is that you need to talk with people who have been there.  I wrote in the letter that I was willing to make contact with him if he would like.  I think it might help him out.  I KNOW it would help me.

I hope that he doesn’t read the letter and think I am trying to get something out of him.  I tried to make it very clear that I was available to talk with him and that if he didn’t want any kind of communication, that that would be fine.  We each have to deal with our grief in our own way.  I completely respect that.

Update:  I offered to make contact with him.  I guess in my heart I was really wanting to connect with somebody that was around my age and was going through a difficult time.  As of now, I haven’t heard from him.  And that is fine.

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Normal

Normal.  I’ll never be ‘normal’ ever again.

I absolutely LOVE to fly fish.  I’m a member of a fly fishing board that is pretty rough around the edges.  But it is also full of some really good people.  There were several guys who showed up at Masons viewing that I had only met once before.  They drove a pretty good distance to come see Mason and I.  On the day of the funeral, another member showed up that I had only met once before, and he had another guy with him that I had never met.  Only bs’ed back and forth on the internet.  Those 2 came from over 100 miles!!!  And yet another came from a considerable distance to both the viewing and the funeral.

Not long after Mason had passed, I was at work.  My wife calls me and says I got something interesting in the mail today.  The envelope had no return address.  Where the return address should have been, it just said “********* Brethren”.  Inside this envelope was a check for $1100, if I remember correctly.  I noted what bank it was from and I had a pretty good idea who was behind it.  They never confessed, but I thanked them all for their kind gesture.  It meant a lot.

That is a great bunch of guys.  In the short time that I have known them, they have done a lot for me.  I’ll never forget that.

All of that brings me here.  One of the ‘brethren’ lost his mother to cancer a few days ago.  This weekend, my wife and I made a road trip out to see him and pay our respects at the funeral.  We sat in the back.  He saw us in the back and came over to greet us, telling us the usual “you didn’t have to come”.  I felt I needed to be there.  I didn’t dare go near the casket, and I couldn’t go to the graveside memorial.  I wasn’t ready to handle that emotionally. 

I just gave him a hug and let him know that I was praying for him and his family.  A lot of times, that is all I need.  A hand on the shoulder or a great big bear hug.  A little reassurance that eventually, everything will be alright. 

Eventually, I’ll be able to hug my son again.  I Love You Mason.  I miss you so much.

Grieving Dads

I finished this book the other day.  Very good book.  Don’t remember exactly how I found it, but I’m glad I did.  I wrote up a little review on Amazon.  http://www.amazon.com/review/R2ARO2GBF6BHYW/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0985205180&nodeID=283155&store=books

Here is the website for “Grieving Dads”.  Good Info there, too:  http://www.grievingdads.com/home-page/

I highly recommend it for the fathers of children who have passed.

Father’s Day – 2012

Yesterday, I went to church for the first time in many, many years.  Father’s Day, no less.  It was quite the celebration for fathers.  It was my first Fathers Day without Mason.  Oh, what I would have given for a hug from my little man yesterday morning.  Or this morning.

Spent the rest of the day relaxing around the house, spending time with the family.  Finished a book I ordered about grieving dads.  Very good book.  It let me know that I am not alone.  The crazy thoughts in my head are nothing new.  Others have been through this before.  There are resources out there that can help.  I just have to get my mind right that I need help.

God, I miss you Mason.  I Love You Son……….

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Just an afterthought.

The preacher on Sunday was speaking about children and fathers.  He made the comment that no child is an accident.  It was all part of Gods plan.

How do miscarriages fit into Gods plan?

Are they accidents?

See

We went to a grief support meeting last Sunday.  While I understand the concept of talking it out with others who have “been there”, I find it difficult to speak.  Maybe it is too early still.  The others in the meeting are all very nice.  I guess there were 9 of us in there, including my wife and I.  We were the youngest in the group by far.  I’m sure that the group will be beneficial to me/us, but I don’t know that I am ready for it yet.

Today makes 9 weeks since we buried Mason.  http://rosewood.cc/obituary.php?id=1622

It seems like a million years ago.  It seems like yesterday.  The emotion is just as raw and hard now as it ever was.  I have so many regrets.  So, so many regrets.

Mason was able to donate his eyes and his knees.  I’m not sure if anything else was used.  They did use some of his other organs to study, so hopefully that information will help somebody else in the future.

We got a “Thank You” card from the Lions Eye Bank in the mail yesterday.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I understand that it is what it is.  They are just communicating their appreciation.  I don’t want any thanks.  I want my son back.

I hope that his beautiful eyes are being used today by someone who could not see before.  I hope that his gift will give someone else the gift of sight.  So they can see there parents for the first time.  So they can see their child for the first time.  So they can see the blue sky for the first time.