39

Had my 39th birthday just the other day.  I’m another year older, something Mason will never be.

I often think about the things Mason will never have.  While I am confident that he is in a much better place and that these little “milestones of life” really don’t matter all that much to him, I am still sad that he will not experience them.  And I won’t be able to see him experience them…..

  • Graduate High School – Mason HATED school.  It was a battle nearly everyday to get him out of bed and ready for school.  Then when homework time come around, it was even worse.  He always told us he didn’t need school.  I guess he was right.
  • Graduate College – Probably not.  See above.  (although, it would have been forced upon him anyway)
  • Getting Married –
  • Having Kids – By far, my 2 greatest days ever were the days Mason and Isabella were born.  His kids would have been my grandchildren.
  • Just watching him grow into becoming a man – I’d love to be there for him like my father has always been there for me.

Just a few milestones in life.  There are so many more scattered in between those, so many more that will never happen.

I miss you, Mason.  I will always love you, son.

Too Early

I am very devoted to my work.  I work when I don’t have to.  Work is always on my mind.  It just seems natural.

The work that I do, I am kind of a one man show.  I have several people that I depend on to help me make my obligations, but the end result that I supply to my clients, I am the go-to guy.  Now, I am not tooting my own horn here.  There are lots of people out there like me, and they are in similar situations.  I guess what I am saying is, there’s not anybody that can just come in and take over seamlessly where I left off with out a lot of time being invested.  And time is something we don’t have.

When Mason died, my boss told me to take all the time I needed.  While that was a very kind gesture, it wasn’t really practical.  Mason died on April 7th, 2012.  I had a MAJOR project kicking off on April 12th.  It would last for a planned 36 days.

We buried Mason on April 12th.  I took the 13th, a Friday, no less, off to gather my things and head out of town to go back to work.

On Saturday, I returned to work.  While in one regard it was a blessing, I had lots to do and kept my mind busy.  On the other hand, it was a HUGE mistake.  I should have been home and letting things sink in.  In hindsight, I would have asked my boss to bring someone else in.  I could spend a day or two with them and get them the basics down and they could have limped through it.  I really wasn’t doing them any good anyway.

After the project was complete, I took 2 weeks off to be at home.  It just wasn’t the same.  My wife was already somewhat ‘used’ to being at home without Mason.  I was just starting that phase.  I was jealous that she was farther along in the grieving process than I was.

4 Months

Damn it.  Tomorrow will be 4 months since Mason passed.  I remember the first time I was away from him for four days.  That was terrible.  I wish I could have those days back.

So far, it hasn’t gotten any easier.  In fact, it has gotten harder.  I’ve gotten to the point were I just don’t give a shit.  About anything.

When I’m at home, I want to get away.  When I’m away, I want to get home.  I sit here at teh office being totally unproductive.  I’ve got a job to do and I can’t do it.  I don’t want to do it.

I feel like everybody wants me to be the same old guy I used to be.  It can never be the same again.