Not there yet.
It appears that I have a ways to go to get there. Scary thought.
Most of the other blogs and books I have read concerning grief state that the second year is the bad year. The first year, your mostly in shock and disbelief. They also say that there is no real time-table on how/when you should grieve. Great.
I wrote about it before, but I’ll say it again. I seriously fucked up coming back to work so soon after Mason passed. Seven days after he died and 2 days after his funeral, I was back at work. What else was I to do? I figured work would keep me plenty busy and I could just immerse myself in that instead of my grief. So, for the next 40 days or so, I worked. Brandi stayed with family and I stayed at the camper. Alone. So, I worked during the day and drank myself to oblivion at night.
I’m not the smartest man in the world, but I did realize that I was going down a path that could lead to a lot more damage. So, I toned it down. I still have the occasional drink, but they are few and far between. I’m not going to say that it is handled, but it is a lot more under control.
The other issue I have been dealing with is work itself. I have found that I just about despise this place. Don’t get me wrong, the people are great. It’s a good job. But coming back here so soon when I really didn’t want to be here has left me with a feeling of resentment. Also, I find that I can’t concentrate on things anymore. My memory is just about completely shot. If I don’t write it down, I probably won’t remember it. I can’t perform like I used to. Bigger problem is that I don’t care.
It would be nice to just pick up and go start again somewhere new. But, I’m a one-trick pony. This is the only thing I know how to do. I could take a lesser job, but that wouldn’t be fair to the family. I need to provide for Brandi & Isabella the best that I can. They both deserve way better. I’ll do the best for them as I can. Hopefully, that will be enough.
I see that things are going down hill. I have found myself getting more and more aggravated with people in general. Those that knew me before know that I was a pretty easy going guy. I never got wound up about anything. That guy is not here anymore. I hope that I will be able to maintain some sort of normalcy through this whole process.
The next year or two will be extremely difficult. I am thankful for my family and friends. I hope that none of you ever have this experience. I am extremely thankful for Brandi and Isabella being here. If not for my two girls, who knows where I would be.