Surviving Christmas

Well, we survived Christmas.  I’ll admit that we had a good time.  Watching Isabella open her gifts was very nice.  She was excited as only a small child could be.  True excitement with her mouth open and a grin from ear to ear.

But we were still missing Mason.  He wasn’t there to help her open the gifts.  He wasn’t there to help her play with her new toys.  He wasn’t there.

I know that I am a lot more sensitive to what people say now.  I don’t know how many times I heard, either directly to me or overhearing someone elses conversation, that how “blessed” we are.  Oh yeah, we are blessed.

I hate to combine all this into a post about Christmas, but oh well.  This is my therapy and I’m just spilling thoughts out onto my keyboard.

Why couldn’t that piece of shit James Holmes, the Aurora, CO movie theater shooter have been “blessed” with a heart attack at 11 years old?

What about that little coward who shot those defenseless kids and teachers in Newtown, Connecticut?  Why wasn’t that little sorry excuse for a human being “blessed” with a heart attack at 11 years old?

I used to think that there was a plan.  When it was your time to go, it was just your time.  I used to think that we all had a pre-determined plan.  I’m calling bullshit on that.  I think that our Creator is playing a lot of this by ear.  I mean, sure, I still believe that there is a MASTER plan, as in God is working a plan to get from “A” to “B”.  But, how we get there is undetermined.

God created all things, right?  He created Jared Loughner.  He created him and all the things in Jareds life that made him turn out the way he did.

Why?  Is there some sort of lesson to learn from that?  If there is, it is way beyond me.  And if the lesson to be learned is so far beyond everyone to comprehend, it can’t be much of a lesson.  If we don’t understand the WHY, I don’t think we can learn anything from it.

I’m still struggling with the WHY.  I don’t imagine I’ll ever get past it.


Happy Birthday Isabella!!!!

Happy Birthday Izzy!!!!

Today is her birthday, although we celebrated it yesterday.  We had a great turnout for her party and she got lots and lots of presents.  Should keep her busy for a little while.

2 years old already.  Simply amazing. I love that little girl like ……  Well, I can’t put it into words.  She is my everything.

I feel like she has been robbed though.  She won’t remember her Bubba, only the stories we will tell.  And we will tell the stories……..

Happy 2nd Birthday Tooter-Head!!!!!!!!!!   I Love You!!!!!!!!!!

Life Sentence

I’m taking the day off from work today to go spend some time with him at the cemetery.  That in itself is kind of odd.  I probably wouldn’t have taken the day off if he was still alive.  So many things were taken for granted.  I always have tomorrow.  I always have next time.

Or so I thought.

I probably will always will have tomorrow.  I’ll probably live to be 120 years old, so that I can have all of my regrets revisit me each and every morning for as long as possible.  Delaying my reunion with Mason for as long as possible.  Stretching out my sentence.

That is what it is.  A sentence.  A Life Sentence.  This is my punishment for all the things I have done.

Forever 11

How do I not be angry today?

Today, at 11:12am, on 12/12/12, Mason would be turning 12.

Happy Birthday, little man.  I hope that you are enjoying your first birthday with the Lord.

I sure miss you little buddy.

I love you.