Surviving Christmas

Well, we survived Christmas.  I’ll admit that we had a good time.  Watching Isabella open her gifts was very nice.  She was excited as only a small child could be.  True excitement with her mouth open and a grin from ear to ear.

But we were still missing Mason.  He wasn’t there to help her open the gifts.  He wasn’t there to help her play with her new toys.  He wasn’t there.

I know that I am a lot more sensitive to what people say now.  I don’t know how many times I heard, either directly to me or overhearing someone elses conversation, that how “blessed” we are.  Oh yeah, we are blessed.

I hate to combine all this into a post about Christmas, but oh well.  This is my therapy and I’m just spilling thoughts out onto my keyboard.

Why couldn’t that piece of shit James Holmes, the Aurora, CO movie theater shooter have been “blessed” with a heart attack at 11 years old?

What about that little coward who shot those defenseless kids and teachers in Newtown, Connecticut?  Why wasn’t that little sorry excuse for a human being “blessed” with a heart attack at 11 years old?

I used to think that there was a plan.  When it was your time to go, it was just your time.  I used to think that we all had a pre-determined plan.  I’m calling bullshit on that.  I think that our Creator is playing a lot of this by ear.  I mean, sure, I still believe that there is a MASTER plan, as in God is working a plan to get from “A” to “B”.  But, how we get there is undetermined.

God created all things, right?  He created Jared Loughner.  He created him and all the things in Jareds life that made him turn out the way he did.

Why?  Is there some sort of lesson to learn from that?  If there is, it is way beyond me.  And if the lesson to be learned is so far beyond everyone to comprehend, it can’t be much of a lesson.  If we don’t understand the WHY, I don’t think we can learn anything from it.

I’m still struggling with the WHY.  I don’t imagine I’ll ever get past it.

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6 thoughts on “Surviving Christmas

  1. I really have no answers for you my friend. Only for us to know is that there is a God who sent his only son to die on the cross in order for us to be able to get to Heaven. If we follow that path that he laid out for us, I believe we will be united once again. Peace to you and yours.mj

  2. Missed you Christmas, Boo. Missed your smiling face, missed you helping give out presents, missed you saying the blessing for our food, just plain missed you. Tooter had a great Christmas and a great birthday. Would have been greater with you there. Saw a little saying the other day that I took to heart. Something like “Thank you God for showing me such love that it hurts this bad to lose it.” Love you that much Sweet Boy. Nana

  3. Kevin – I can so well relate to your sentiment about how confusing God’s plan can be! When my son Keith died February 20, 2011, I was determined to hold fast to my faith that God was working a plan – for my son and for us. In truth, I had spoken for the eleven months of my son’s cancer journey about how a man’s faith is proven by the way he lives – not just by what he says, and I did not want to be revealed as a fraud. I was determined to trust God at all cost. Rather than asking “why” it had all happened, I forced myself to ask “what” God was going to do with it.

    Four months after Keith died, I realized that I could no longer believe my own bullshit. I got angry. I tried what Job’s wife kept telling him: “Curse God, and die.” Over the course of about four months, I wanted nothing to do with God and His “plan,” because it simply hurt too much. In the midst of the pain, I finally started to ask WHY! I struggled to explain what I felt. I did not trust God as I did before, but I still believed completely in Him and His plan. What I finally came to understand is that, although I trusted Him, I had lost my confidence in Him. I was afraid, because the reality is: His plan sometimes is VERY painful! Sometimes it simply sucks. Sometimes this fallen world in which we live is too much to bear. In time, I have learned that God does not kill us when we curse Him. He loves us. It still sucks, but I finally realized that blaming Him was not getting me anywhere.

    Keep asking Him WHY! The truth is – I do not think you will ever get an answer. I haven’t, but In time, my heart has softened. I will ALWAYS miss my son. I will NEVER be grateful for what he experienced. But I am learning that God really is present – even when I do not want Him to be, and I can be content with the man I have become through the journey.

    Hang in there.

    Tim Hayes
    Lubbock, Texas

    • Thanks Tim.

      At this point in time, it’s really hard to vocalize my feelings. I KNOW that God has a plan and we won’t understand all of it, but the overwhelming WHY is eating me up.

      We’re hanging in here, taking it hour by hour, day by day.

      • When I was eight months down the road as you are, I seriously wondered if I would make it because of that stinking WHY question. All I can say is… It really does get better – NEVER easier – but better in some mysterious way. Unfortunately, there is no way to determine how long it will take. It will certainly be a hell of a lot longer than you can stand! To share your heart – authentically, unafraid, and unashamed as you do here – is a big step on the road to healing. Even now, there are still days that hour by hour is too long… minute by minute works too 🙂

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