Moved

All done, completely moved out of the house.  All that remains is the closing tomorrow.

It was / is strange.  We are now at a place that Mason has never been.  We’ve got all of his stuff boxed up and in the spare bedroom.  It’s just there.  My wife and I pulled out of that driveway yesterday evening for the last time.  It was there, as I put the truck in gear, that I had one of those “moments”.

Here we are moving on with our lives.  Here we are living in a place that Mason has not lived.  We have left Mason’s home.  How CAN we move on?

I just don’t know.  I’m more angry and bitter now than I have ever been.  I don’t want to be.  I’ve got a son on the way and I’m prepared to be the best father I can be for him.  But all that is on my mind is how we are leaving Mason.  How he left us.  How it’s not getting any better.

Just a bunch of crazy thoughts in my head.  It’s almost like “white noise” from an old tv.  I can pick up on things, but it’s like static.  In my brain.

Hard to describe.  I wish I could put it into words, but it just ain’t happening.

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Been a while…….

I’m tired.

Work has finally slowed down.  Now I’ve got some time to spend with the family.  Time to reflect on the things that have happened in the last 15 months.

The pregnancy is going well.  Come September 13th, I intend to be holding my little Jackson Reed in my arms.  Pretty excited about that.

We just returned from our annual family vacation.  This year we went to Branson, MO.  I had my doubts about that place, but if you’ve never been, it’s worth going.  The day that we arrived in Branson, our realtor called us and let us know that someone would be putting in an offer on our house.  It looks like it’s going to sell.  We’re pretty happy about that too.  We’ll stay close to the doctors and hospitals for a while.  Our history makes that a good idea.  We’ll start seriously looking for a new home after the first of the year.

Of course with a move coming up, there’s packing to be done.  We hadn’t touched Masons room since he passed.  Other than just general cleaning and such.  Saturday, we went through everything.  Everything EXCEPT his suitcase that he had when he went to Nana’s house the last time.  We can’t open that yet.  We’ll just take it with us and we’ll open it when it’s time.  I knew it would be tough.  Going through all of his clothes.  Sifting through old drawings he had made and stuffed in his desk.  Reading some of his stories that he liked to write.  I knew it would be tough.  But it was worse than that.

It’s just not fair that the whole world is going on without him.  He’s got a baby sister to look after.  He’s got a baby brother that he’ll never get to meet.  Words just can’t express the pain and emotion that I feel.  I have been trying to hold it in, but I feel like I am at my breaking point.  I don’t know why I feel like I need to hold it in, I just do.  but I don’t think I’ll be able to restrain it much longer.  It really feels like everyday is harder than yesterday.

I’ll try to write more, but it’s really hard when there’s nothing to say.