Been a while…….

I’m tired.

Work has finally slowed down.  Now I’ve got some time to spend with the family.  Time to reflect on the things that have happened in the last 15 months.

The pregnancy is going well.  Come September 13th, I intend to be holding my little Jackson Reed in my arms.  Pretty excited about that.

We just returned from our annual family vacation.  This year we went to Branson, MO.  I had my doubts about that place, but if you’ve never been, it’s worth going.  The day that we arrived in Branson, our realtor called us and let us know that someone would be putting in an offer on our house.  It looks like it’s going to sell.  We’re pretty happy about that too.  We’ll stay close to the doctors and hospitals for a while.  Our history makes that a good idea.  We’ll start seriously looking for a new home after the first of the year.

Of course with a move coming up, there’s packing to be done.  We hadn’t touched Masons room since he passed.  Other than just general cleaning and such.  Saturday, we went through everything.  Everything EXCEPT his suitcase that he had when he went to Nana’s house the last time.  We can’t open that yet.  We’ll just take it with us and we’ll open it when it’s time.  I knew it would be tough.  Going through all of his clothes.  Sifting through old drawings he had made and stuffed in his desk.  Reading some of his stories that he liked to write.  I knew it would be tough.  But it was worse than that.

It’s just not fair that the whole world is going on without him.  He’s got a baby sister to look after.  He’s got a baby brother that he’ll never get to meet.  Words just can’t express the pain and emotion that I feel.  I have been trying to hold it in, but I feel like I am at my breaking point.  I don’t know why I feel like I need to hold it in, I just do.  but I don’t think I’ll be able to restrain it much longer.  It really feels like everyday is harder than yesterday.

I’ll try to write more, but it’s really hard when there’s nothing to say.

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3 thoughts on “Been a while…….

  1. Nothing to say? I so often feel like a broken record. It is not that I have nothing to say but nothing “new” to say. How many ways can one describe this never-ending pain?

    Yet, I think you did with your words… “I knew it would be tough. But it was worse than that.”

    I think this is one of the major challenges of grieving a lost son. When I believe I have discovered new strength, I encounter new levels of sadness and pain that make me feel weaker than ever. If I am weak, how can I be what I must for my wife and daughter? Or will I finally succumb to the sadness?

    A few months ago, you seemed to doubt if you could ever go through Mason’s room. You did. To me, this looks like strength. Despite how much harder today is when compared to yesterday, our spirits rise to meet the challenge. I applaud this in you.

    Hang in there.

    • You’re right, Tim. It’s really nothing NEW to say.

      I’m not so sure about the strength going through Mason’s room. It was more of a necessity than anything else.

      About the only strength I have is for my wife and daughter (and soon to be son). I go on everyday for them. If it wasn’t for them, I’d probably just sit down and wait it out.

      • Kevin – I can understand the element of necessity; however, even in necessities, there is *some* measure of strength. Otherwise, you may simply give in to the desire to sit and wait it out.

        Regardless, I can completely relate to your words about only having strength for your wife and daughter (plus one more soon). My wife recently acknowledged how important it is that I am back in school and working towards a new career for the next half of my life. She stated that I need a reason to “live” rather than to merely “survive” for the sake of her and our daughter.

        In time, I pray that reason presents itself to you. Blessings.

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