WOW

5 years.  I can’t say it’s any easier, it’s just different.  Isabella says she misses him although she was only 16 months when he passed away.  Jackson follows with “I miss him, too”, and he wasn’t born for another year and a half.  Crazy kid, but it’s that kind of stuff that just wrenches at me.

This ride really sucks.

Changes

Haven’t updated in a while.  Theres’ just not much to say anymore.

Changes. So many changes. I wish Mason was here to witness all of them.

Mason and Isabella’s little brother showed up early. He wasn’t due till 9/13, but he made an early appearance on 8/22. All is well with him and momma. Her blood pressure was running pretty high and the Dr. made the call to perform a “C” section that evening.

I’ve since taken on a new job. Not exactly a career change, but made the move from a contract position to work directly for the company. It’s a good move for me, a good move for my family.

We’ve made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas has come and gone.

Mason’s birthday has passed us again. He would have been 13. Finally a teenager. I might have even gotten him a cell phone. It would give me something else to take away when he misbehaved.

As I said in a previous posting, we sold the house and moved to a rental for about 9 months or so. It was a much smaller house, but we made it work.

We finally bought a new house, moved in just a few weeks ago. It’s much closer to work, 24 miles each way vs. the 76 miles each way I was driving. It’s a much shorter, less stressful, drive. It’s got a big yard, front and back, that the kids can play in. I ordered a new playset for Isabella and Jackson, it will be here this weekend. She’ll love it. Jackson will love it too.

Everything is just great.

On the surface.

But deep down inside, everything is not great. I’m waiting on things to get better. I don’t cry as much as I did before, so maybe that’s better. But I don’t feel better. I feel the same. I feel worse. There is a huge hole in my life, in my family, that nobody sees. I hesitate to bring it up to people. The dreaded question; “How many kids do you have?” I fumble for the answer. I’ve just met these people, do I want to unload my depressing story on them right off the bat?

It still hurts. I expect it to for a while. I guess I expect it forever. The pain is a reminder.

300 Days

300 Days……………………………………………

 

I remember the first time I had to leave Brandi & Mason to go work out of town.  I wasn’t working that far away, I made trips home on the weekends.  But those 5 days and nights away from them almost killed me.  I knew I couldn’t go any longer than that without seeing Mason.  5 days away from him was painful.  300 days away from him is hell.

A lot has happened in the last 300 days.  All kinds of national tragedies have our country in an uproar.  Yet, we all still go on taking it day by day.

His little sister is a year older.  She is growing up so fast, I wish he could be here with her.

Brandi is pregnant, so God willing, we’ll have another addition to the family this September.  The first person who tells me that this baby is to “replace” Mason, I’m going to unload on them.

Just the other day, on a message board I was posting on, I was discussing just how angry I was/am with the death of Mason.  It’s really unimaginable.  I really can’t put it in to words.

That night, I got a reply to a message I had sent on facebook shortly after Mason had passed.  On Mason’s memorial page from the funeral home, the following message was placed:

My son and Mason were classmates this year. We just learned of the heartbreaking news. I had to pull my son out this week for homeschooling due to harassment from other children. Only Mason was different he says. When no other boy would sit with him at lunch or talk to him Mason was always there. Thank you Mason for being a wonderful friend to my son! God bless your family”

I was so proud of Mason for that.  I am proud of Mason for that.

I located the person who sent made that comment on facebook and sent them a message thanking them for the kind words.  It brought tears to my eyes and a huge smile on my face.

The other night, I got a response.  She apologized for taking so long to respond, it seems facebook has an “other” inbox for messages.  I wasn’t aware of it till she told me.  Anyway, the message I had sent thanking her was placed in the “other” box and she had just found it.  She told me of a conversation relayed to her from her son that Mason had had with him.  She wanted to talk with me about it instead of just typing it up in an email or message.  She asked me to call her when I was ready.  She said it had to do with Heaven.

I gathered myself together and made the call.  She was very emotional on the phone, as was I.  Evidently, her son thought very highly of Mason and talked about him all the time.  Mason had that effect on people.  Now, I’m paraphrasing here.  I don’t remember exactly everything we talked about, but here’s the gist of it.  They were talking about death.  Since Mason had a heart transplant, it was discussed that he would not live as long as everyone else.  He, Mason, said that he knew.  He was excited to go to Heaven and get his wings.  He would become an Angel and he would look over his Momma and little sister, Isabella.

I thanked her for making contact with me.  It was good to hear so many nice things about Mason.  Needless to say, I was crying by the end of the conversation.

I, we, have had many conversations with people who think that Mason knew he was dying.  Brandi and I don’t think he knew.  As emotional of a child as Mason was, he would have been a basket case.  He’d have been a nervous wreck.  Maybe subliminally he knew.  We’ll never know.

300 days is a long time.  I hope he is up there looking down on us.  I hope that he is not worried about anything.  I hope he’ll be waiting on me at the Pearly Gates when I get there.  We’ll have a lot to catch up on.  Likely, we’ll have a lot more to discuss than 300 days………….

Happy Birthday Isabella!!!!

Happy Birthday Izzy!!!!

Today is her birthday, although we celebrated it yesterday.  We had a great turnout for her party and she got lots and lots of presents.  Should keep her busy for a little while.

2 years old already.  Simply amazing. I love that little girl like ……  Well, I can’t put it into words.  She is my everything.

I feel like she has been robbed though.  She won’t remember her Bubba, only the stories we will tell.  And we will tell the stories……..

Happy 2nd Birthday Tooter-Head!!!!!!!!!!   I Love You!!!!!!!!!!

Rock Bottom

Not there yet.

It appears that I have a ways to go to get there.  Scary thought.

Most of the other blogs and books I have read concerning grief state that the second year is the bad year.  The first year, your mostly in shock and disbelief.  They also say that there is no real time-table on how/when you should grieve.  Great.

I wrote about it before, but I’ll say it again.  I seriously fucked up coming back to work so soon after Mason passed.  Seven days after he died and 2 days after his funeral, I was back at work.  What else was I to do?  I figured work would keep me plenty busy and I could just immerse myself in that instead of my grief.  So, for the next 40 days or so, I worked.  Brandi stayed with family and I stayed at the camper.  Alone.  So, I worked during the day and drank myself to oblivion at night.

I’m not the smartest man in the world, but I did realize that I was going down a path that could lead to a lot more damage.  So, I toned it down.  I still have the occasional drink, but they are few and far between.  I’m not going to say that it is handled, but it is a lot more under control.

The other issue I have been dealing with is work itself.  I have found that I just about despise this place.  Don’t get me wrong, the people are great.  It’s a good job.  But coming back here so soon when I really didn’t want to be here has left me with a feeling of resentment.  Also, I find that I can’t concentrate on things anymore.  My memory is just about completely shot.  If I don’t write it down, I probably won’t remember it.  I can’t perform like I used to.  Bigger problem is that I don’t care.

It would be nice to just pick up and go start again somewhere new.  But, I’m a one-trick pony.  This is the only thing I know how to do.  I could take a lesser job, but that wouldn’t be fair to the family.  I need to provide for Brandi & Isabella the best that I can.  They both deserve way better.  I’ll do the best for them as I can.  Hopefully, that will be enough.

I see that things are going down hill.  I have found myself getting more and more aggravated with people in general.  Those that knew me before know that I was a pretty easy going guy.  I never got wound up about anything.  That guy is not here anymore.  I hope that I will be able to maintain some sort of normalcy through this whole process.

The next year or two will be extremely difficult.  I am thankful for my family and friends.  I hope that none of you ever have this experience.  I am extremely thankful for Brandi and Isabella being here.  If not for my two girls, who knows where I would be.

FAIL!!!!!!!!!

I can’t get past it.  Probably never will.

In my head, I know that it’s bullshit.

In my heart, I feel like I failed Mason.  I did not protect him.  The only job I had to do, the only thing I had to do for Mason was protect him.  I failed.  It’s really that simple.  He died.  Other kids are still alive.  Other dads still have their kids.  They are protecting them.  My son is dead.  I failed him and he is gone.  Forever.

How the fuck am I supposed to live with myself?

I’m also dealing with some horrific thoughts as well.  Every time I close my eyes here lately, I think about my poor boy in the casket, in the ground, rotting.  I can see him.  I can see the……  Nevermind.

I’m hurting.  The day can’t come fast enough that I can rest next to him.

And yet, I NEED to be here for Isabella.  I WANT to be here for Isabella.  I WILL be here for Isabella.

Ending it all

Suicide.

Can you think of any reason you would do it?

Can anything in this world be so bad that you would take your own life?

I believe the answer to that is yes.

For the first time, I can understand how people can get to such a low place that they can do the unthinkable.

I am fortunate in the fact that I have a very supportive family.  I know that I can go to them with anything and they will support me or just listen to me.

I am also fortunate that I have my loving wife and daughter.  It’s strange that a toddler can keep an entire family together.  I have held it together (for the most part) because of her.

Mason absolutely adored her.  I wish he could be here to see her now.  He would be amazed at how much she has grown.

I know, without a doubt, that I am better off right now because of her.  If it hadn’t been for the responsibility of taking care of her needs, I’d be completely lost.  Maybe in the bottom of a bottle.  Maybe sleeping on a cardboard mat under an overpass.  Maybe dead.

Now, I don’t want everyone who reads this (both of you) to over react and try some kind of intervention.  I’m not suicidal.  This post was about understanding.  I can understand how people would be driven to do things that are unimaginable to others.

I Love You Mason.  I Miss You.