WOW

5 years.  I can’t say it’s any easier, it’s just different.  Isabella says she misses him although she was only 16 months when he passed away.  Jackson follows with “I miss him, too”, and he wasn’t born for another year and a half.  Crazy kid, but it’s that kind of stuff that just wrenches at me.

This ride really sucks.

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17 Things That Happen When You’re Very Overdriven Yet Also Extremely Lazy At The Same Time

Wow, this is me….

Thought Catalog

bike-and-guy

There exists a very particular breed of human in the world, one that merges the qualities of near apathetic lethargy and a manic desire to achieve. I don’t know how they exist, I don’t know what had to go askew to create such deep conundrums out of people, but I do know that they possess the exact set of traits that somehow also make them most successful: their laziness lends itself to their drive to innovate and make life easier and better for themselves.

Yet, nobody really knows the reality of which these people live: they dust their laziness under the rug or don’t have the energy to self-promote their success… so you never really know where they’re at. You probably might not even know if you’re one of them, but fear not, as I am here to help you self-diagnose and tell you all the weird things that happen…

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Out of Order

It’s not supposed to be like this.

Life.  It’s not supposed to be like this.  This is all out of order.

I pray for peace for all those whose lives are out of order.  I pray for peace for those whose lives aren’t supposed to be like this.

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Sort of happy, anyway.

Almost 3 years down.  3 years since I’ve seen my sweet son.  God I miss him.

The anniversary of his death isn’t till April 7th, next Tuesday.

The year he died, 2012, April 7th was the Saturday of Easter weekend.  Easter will always have an extra special meaning for me, regardless of the date.

In my mind, now he has 2 anniversaries; Saturday before Easter and April 7th.  From my good friend Mr. Google, I don’t believe April 7th and Saturday before Easter line up again till 2091.

I probably won’t be around for that one.

I didn’ t know what I was asking for

It’s been a little more than 26 months since Mason left us. Of all the blogs I’ve read and people I have spoken to, they all say that the second year is the hardest. After the shock wears off and reality starts so settle back in, that’s when you really get started. Well, we survived the second year.

Another thing I have heard from others is that there is no time table on grief. The Compassionate Friends consider you “newly” bereaved if it’s been less than 5 years. I’m still “newly” bereaved. Sometimes, I’m still in shock. Sometimes it’s not real. Sometimes, I think that my alarm clock will wake me up from a horrendously long nightmare.

Being “newly” bereaved, I am still very early on in my healing progress. The pain is still very deep. Obviously, I haven’t had the time to let it heal, but I expect at some point that the pain will be more like a soreness, a bad ache. Right now, the knife is still in my heart and it’s twisting around and around. The wound is not able to start healing just yet.

As if all this wasn’t bad enough, there is the guilt. All of this pain, all of the heartache, all of the tears, all of the sadness and all of the helplessness, I wished on someone else.

Early in April of 2002, we found out Mason needed a heart transplant. The current route of treatment wasn’t going to be good enough and time was of the essence. I prayed every day for a heart to become available for Mason. Six months later, my prayers were answered. At that point, someone else started their life without their child. I spent six months wishing this curse on someone else. I didn’t care who, I just wanted my child to live. I wanted Mason to have a chance. And I got it.

I spent six months praying for all this to happen to someone else. Now I’ll spend forever praying for God to forgive me for asking this. I didn’t know what I was asking for. I just wanted the best for Mason.

Now I’m on the other side. I find myself telling people all the time that I hope you never have to deal with the loss of a child. “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone”, I say. Yet, twelve years ago, that’s exactly what I was doing. Would I do it again, knowing what I know now? Yes. So I guess I’m lying when I say I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If my child’s life is on the line, I would wish it on anyone.

So, what this boils down to is just another twist of the knife for me. On one hand, I don’t want anyone to experience this. I don’t want to have to ask God to take another one of his children so that my child could live. Yet, if it came down to it again, I’d make the same request. My child is more important than anyone else’s; just as your child is more important than mine.

2 Years Out

Anniversaries. Some are good, some not so much.

Yesterday, April 7, we were 2 years out. I didn’t really have any expectations for where I would be in this journey of life without Mason. While I know things will get better, I know they will never be right. That being said, I’m not expecting an improvement. I’m not holding my breath for it.

This has all been very taxing for me, to say the least. It takes a lot of my strength. While I try to concentrate on Brandi, Isabella and Jackson, Mason is always in the back of my mind. Wishing he was here to see all of this.

I’ve really wanted to keep this blog going. I read other blogs written by people who have lost a child. Some are like me in that they quit after a year or two; just nothing new to write about. Then there are others who seem to write almost every day. I wish I had that capacity to do that. I just can’t come up with anything new. I guess for a while, the entries will be sporadic.