Moved

All done, completely moved out of the house.  All that remains is the closing tomorrow.

It was / is strange.  We are now at a place that Mason has never been.  We’ve got all of his stuff boxed up and in the spare bedroom.  It’s just there.  My wife and I pulled out of that driveway yesterday evening for the last time.  It was there, as I put the truck in gear, that I had one of those “moments”.

Here we are moving on with our lives.  Here we are living in a place that Mason has not lived.  We have left Mason’s home.  How CAN we move on?

I just don’t know.  I’m more angry and bitter now than I have ever been.  I don’t want to be.  I’ve got a son on the way and I’m prepared to be the best father I can be for him.  But all that is on my mind is how we are leaving Mason.  How he left us.  How it’s not getting any better.

Just a bunch of crazy thoughts in my head.  It’s almost like “white noise” from an old tv.  I can pick up on things, but it’s like static.  In my brain.

Hard to describe.  I wish I could put it into words, but it just ain’t happening.

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Surviving Christmas

Well, we survived Christmas.  I’ll admit that we had a good time.  Watching Isabella open her gifts was very nice.  She was excited as only a small child could be.  True excitement with her mouth open and a grin from ear to ear.

But we were still missing Mason.  He wasn’t there to help her open the gifts.  He wasn’t there to help her play with her new toys.  He wasn’t there.

I know that I am a lot more sensitive to what people say now.  I don’t know how many times I heard, either directly to me or overhearing someone elses conversation, that how “blessed” we are.  Oh yeah, we are blessed.

I hate to combine all this into a post about Christmas, but oh well.  This is my therapy and I’m just spilling thoughts out onto my keyboard.

Why couldn’t that piece of shit James Holmes, the Aurora, CO movie theater shooter have been “blessed” with a heart attack at 11 years old?

What about that little coward who shot those defenseless kids and teachers in Newtown, Connecticut?  Why wasn’t that little sorry excuse for a human being “blessed” with a heart attack at 11 years old?

I used to think that there was a plan.  When it was your time to go, it was just your time.  I used to think that we all had a pre-determined plan.  I’m calling bullshit on that.  I think that our Creator is playing a lot of this by ear.  I mean, sure, I still believe that there is a MASTER plan, as in God is working a plan to get from “A” to “B”.  But, how we get there is undetermined.

God created all things, right?  He created Jared Loughner.  He created him and all the things in Jareds life that made him turn out the way he did.

Why?  Is there some sort of lesson to learn from that?  If there is, it is way beyond me.  And if the lesson to be learned is so far beyond everyone to comprehend, it can’t be much of a lesson.  If we don’t understand the WHY, I don’t think we can learn anything from it.

I’m still struggling with the WHY.  I don’t imagine I’ll ever get past it.