Work in Progress

Looks like it’s going to be a boy!!!

Paying a debt

¹³ Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”

Nathan replied, “The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. ¹⁴ But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.”

2 Samuel 12-13 – Nathan Rebukes David

More on this later….

Later……..

I meet with a couple of very good friends every couple of weeks or so, whenever our schedules can all match up.  We basically have a little sit-down, informal discussion on how we are doing and how our relationship with the Lord is.  It’s been a very healthy thing for me to do, especially of late.

Going to these meetings, the ‘leader’ gets these little handouts for us.  It’s called Men of Integrity.  Can be found here:  http://www.christianitytoday.com/moi/

Anyway, I was reading through it last week sometime, catching up on a few of the articles in there when I got to this one by Perry Noble.  It is as follows:

What he Said … A Misguided and Damaging Belief

Having served in ministry for more than two decades, I’ve seen a common idea that simply isn’t true dominate the landscape of the church. And in my opinion, it’s one of the most damaging beliefs a Christian can hold.

Here’s the false idea: “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

I suspect we’ve all had this concept pitched to us at some point as one of the key principles of the faith. We’ve heard it from the lips of other Christians; we’ve read books about it; we’ve seen the phrase on bumper stickers. But I’m telling you, it simply doesn’t ring true—from the standpoint of human experience or from God’s Word. When we buy into this false idea, it only leaves us confused, frustrated, and angry.

The truth is, God often allows us to face more than we can handle. But it’s not because he’s cruel or heartless. It’s so we’ll stop trying to live life on our own strength and learn to depend on his.

Key Study Passage: 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

The little booklet has articles like this set up on a daily basis.  This particular one was dated April 7.  The 1st anniversary of Masons death.

I’ve always heard that God won’t give you more than you can handle.  Maybe that’s not true.  I guess God won’t give you more than He can handle.  That sets the bar pretty high, cause He can handle anything.  Everything.

So, maybe I’m wrong, but my interpretation of that is that God will overload us to teach us a lesson.  Just like he taught David a lesson.  Again, I’m no angel.  I’ve done some bad things in my life.  But, I think I could have gotten by with an easier lesson.  I’m still not sure what the ‘lesson’ is supposed to teach me.

All I know right now is that I am in a very dark place right now.  I spend too much time alone, away from my family.  During my time away, I have an idle mind.  Idle minds are a dangerous thing.

How Time Flies

Doesn’t seem like it’s been a year.  It seems like just yesterday.  It seems like a thousand years ago.

I sure miss you little buddy.  I love you.

Half a Million

Half a Million.  Five Hundred Thousand.  500,000

Seems like alot.  I guess it just depends what it is.  I guess it’s all relative.

But, for those that are counting, like me, it’s been 500,000 minutes since Mason left us.

I have thought about him nearly every one of those minutes.  Every day, at some point in time, I will have a memory lapse.  Not that I forgot about him, but that I forgot he was gone.

And then it hits me.  Hits me like I am re-living the time we got the phone call.  Re-Living the drive to the hospital.  Re-Living the time we spent at his side in the ER.  Re-Living closing his casket.  Re-Living lowering him into the ground.

Half a Million minutes.

I’m Tired

I’m Tired………….

of the nightmares…..

of the depression……

of being angry……

of not being understood……

of being (feeling) ignored……

of others criticizing the way I handle MY grief……

of wishing I had done things differently……

of the guilt I carry……

of the self-imposed pressure I create……

of looking at my son’s name on a headstone……

of walking past his empty room……

of hurting……

of being tired……

300 Days

300 Days……………………………………………

 

I remember the first time I had to leave Brandi & Mason to go work out of town.  I wasn’t working that far away, I made trips home on the weekends.  But those 5 days and nights away from them almost killed me.  I knew I couldn’t go any longer than that without seeing Mason.  5 days away from him was painful.  300 days away from him is hell.

A lot has happened in the last 300 days.  All kinds of national tragedies have our country in an uproar.  Yet, we all still go on taking it day by day.

His little sister is a year older.  She is growing up so fast, I wish he could be here with her.

Brandi is pregnant, so God willing, we’ll have another addition to the family this September.  The first person who tells me that this baby is to “replace” Mason, I’m going to unload on them.

Just the other day, on a message board I was posting on, I was discussing just how angry I was/am with the death of Mason.  It’s really unimaginable.  I really can’t put it in to words.

That night, I got a reply to a message I had sent on facebook shortly after Mason had passed.  On Mason’s memorial page from the funeral home, the following message was placed:

“My son and Mason were classmates this year. We just learned of the heartbreaking news. I had to pull my son out this week for homeschooling due to harassment from other children. Only Mason was different he says. When no other boy would sit with him at lunch or talk to him Mason was always there. Thank you Mason for being a wonderful friend to my son! God bless your family”

I was so proud of Mason for that.  I am proud of Mason for that.

I located the person who sent made that comment on facebook and sent them a message thanking them for the kind words.  It brought tears to my eyes and a huge smile on my face.

The other night, I got a response.  She apologized for taking so long to respond, it seems facebook has an “other” inbox for messages.  I wasn’t aware of it till she told me.  Anyway, the message I had sent thanking her was placed in the “other” box and she had just found it.  She told me of a conversation relayed to her from her son that Mason had had with him.  She wanted to talk with me about it instead of just typing it up in an email or message.  She asked me to call her when I was ready.  She said it had to do with Heaven.

I gathered myself together and made the call.  She was very emotional on the phone, as was I.  Evidently, her son thought very highly of Mason and talked about him all the time.  Mason had that effect on people.  Now, I’m paraphrasing here.  I don’t remember exactly everything we talked about, but here’s the gist of it.  They were talking about death.  Since Mason had a heart transplant, it was discussed that he would not live as long as everyone else.  He, Mason, said that he knew.  He was excited to go to Heaven and get his wings.  He would become an Angel and he would look over his Momma and little sister, Isabella.

I thanked her for making contact with me.  It was good to hear so many nice things about Mason.  Needless to say, I was crying by the end of the conversation.

I, we, have had many conversations with people who think that Mason knew he was dying.  Brandi and I don’t think he knew.  As emotional of a child as Mason was, he would have been a basket case.  He’d have been a nervous wreck.  Maybe subliminally he knew.  We’ll never know.

300 days is a long time.  I hope he is up there looking down on us.  I hope that he is not worried about anything.  I hope he’ll be waiting on me at the Pearly Gates when I get there.  We’ll have a lot to catch up on.  Likely, we’ll have a lot more to discuss than 300 days………….

Surviving Christmas

Well, we survived Christmas.  I’ll admit that we had a good time.  Watching Isabella open her gifts was very nice.  She was excited as only a small child could be.  True excitement with her mouth open and a grin from ear to ear.

But we were still missing Mason.  He wasn’t there to help her open the gifts.  He wasn’t there to help her play with her new toys.  He wasn’t there.

I know that I am a lot more sensitive to what people say now.  I don’t know how many times I heard, either directly to me or overhearing someone elses conversation, that how “blessed” we are.  Oh yeah, we are blessed.

I hate to combine all this into a post about Christmas, but oh well.  This is my therapy and I’m just spilling thoughts out onto my keyboard.

Why couldn’t that piece of shit James Holmes, the Aurora, CO movie theater shooter have been “blessed” with a heart attack at 11 years old?

What about that little coward who shot those defenseless kids and teachers in Newtown, Connecticut?  Why wasn’t that little sorry excuse for a human being “blessed” with a heart attack at 11 years old?

I used to think that there was a plan.  When it was your time to go, it was just your time.  I used to think that we all had a pre-determined plan.  I’m calling bullshit on that.  I think that our Creator is playing a lot of this by ear.  I mean, sure, I still believe that there is a MASTER plan, as in God is working a plan to get from “A” to “B”.  But, how we get there is undetermined.

God created all things, right?  He created Jared Loughner.  He created him and all the things in Jareds life that made him turn out the way he did.

Why?  Is there some sort of lesson to learn from that?  If there is, it is way beyond me.  And if the lesson to be learned is so far beyond everyone to comprehend, it can’t be much of a lesson.  If we don’t understand the WHY, I don’t think we can learn anything from it.

I’m still struggling with the WHY.  I don’t imagine I’ll ever get past it.