2 Years Out

Anniversaries. Some are good, some not so much.

Yesterday, April 7, we were 2 years out. I didn’t really have any expectations for where I would be in this journey of life without Mason. While I know things will get better, I know they will never be right. That being said, I’m not expecting an improvement. I’m not holding my breath for it.

This has all been very taxing for me, to say the least. It takes a lot of my strength. While I try to concentrate on Brandi, Isabella and Jackson, Mason is always in the back of my mind. Wishing he was here to see all of this.

I’ve really wanted to keep this blog going. I read other blogs written by people who have lost a child. Some are like me in that they quit after a year or two; just nothing new to write about. Then there are others who seem to write almost every day. I wish I had that capacity to do that. I just can’t come up with anything new. I guess for a while, the entries will be sporadic.

Changes

Haven’t updated in a while.  Theres’ just not much to say anymore.

Changes. So many changes. I wish Mason was here to witness all of them.

Mason and Isabella’s little brother showed up early. He wasn’t due till 9/13, but he made an early appearance on 8/22. All is well with him and momma. Her blood pressure was running pretty high and the Dr. made the call to perform a “C” section that evening.

I’ve since taken on a new job. Not exactly a career change, but made the move from a contract position to work directly for the company. It’s a good move for me, a good move for my family.

We’ve made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas has come and gone.

Mason’s birthday has passed us again. He would have been 13. Finally a teenager. I might have even gotten him a cell phone. It would give me something else to take away when he misbehaved.

As I said in a previous posting, we sold the house and moved to a rental for about 9 months or so. It was a much smaller house, but we made it work.

We finally bought a new house, moved in just a few weeks ago. It’s much closer to work, 24 miles each way vs. the 76 miles each way I was driving. It’s a much shorter, less stressful, drive. It’s got a big yard, front and back, that the kids can play in. I ordered a new playset for Isabella and Jackson, it will be here this weekend. She’ll love it. Jackson will love it too.

Everything is just great.

On the surface.

But deep down inside, everything is not great. I’m waiting on things to get better. I don’t cry as much as I did before, so maybe that’s better. But I don’t feel better. I feel the same. I feel worse. There is a huge hole in my life, in my family, that nobody sees. I hesitate to bring it up to people. The dreaded question; “How many kids do you have?” I fumble for the answer. I’ve just met these people, do I want to unload my depressing story on them right off the bat?

It still hurts. I expect it to for a while. I guess I expect it forever. The pain is a reminder.

Moved

All done, completely moved out of the house.  All that remains is the closing tomorrow.

It was / is strange.  We are now at a place that Mason has never been.  We’ve got all of his stuff boxed up and in the spare bedroom.  It’s just there.  My wife and I pulled out of that driveway yesterday evening for the last time.  It was there, as I put the truck in gear, that I had one of those “moments”.

Here we are moving on with our lives.  Here we are living in a place that Mason has not lived.  We have left Mason’s home.  How CAN we move on?

I just don’t know.  I’m more angry and bitter now than I have ever been.  I don’t want to be.  I’ve got a son on the way and I’m prepared to be the best father I can be for him.  But all that is on my mind is how we are leaving Mason.  How he left us.  How it’s not getting any better.

Just a bunch of crazy thoughts in my head.  It’s almost like “white noise” from an old tv.  I can pick up on things, but it’s like static.  In my brain.

Hard to describe.  I wish I could put it into words, but it just ain’t happening.

Been a while…….

I’m tired.

Work has finally slowed down.  Now I’ve got some time to spend with the family.  Time to reflect on the things that have happened in the last 15 months.

The pregnancy is going well.  Come September 13th, I intend to be holding my little Jackson Reed in my arms.  Pretty excited about that.

We just returned from our annual family vacation.  This year we went to Branson, MO.  I had my doubts about that place, but if you’ve never been, it’s worth going.  The day that we arrived in Branson, our realtor called us and let us know that someone would be putting in an offer on our house.  It looks like it’s going to sell.  We’re pretty happy about that too.  We’ll stay close to the doctors and hospitals for a while.  Our history makes that a good idea.  We’ll start seriously looking for a new home after the first of the year.

Of course with a move coming up, there’s packing to be done.  We hadn’t touched Masons room since he passed.  Other than just general cleaning and such.  Saturday, we went through everything.  Everything EXCEPT his suitcase that he had when he went to Nana’s house the last time.  We can’t open that yet.  We’ll just take it with us and we’ll open it when it’s time.  I knew it would be tough.  Going through all of his clothes.  Sifting through old drawings he had made and stuffed in his desk.  Reading some of his stories that he liked to write.  I knew it would be tough.  But it was worse than that.

It’s just not fair that the whole world is going on without him.  He’s got a baby sister to look after.  He’s got a baby brother that he’ll never get to meet.  Words just can’t express the pain and emotion that I feel.  I have been trying to hold it in, but I feel like I am at my breaking point.  I don’t know why I feel like I need to hold it in, I just do.  but I don’t think I’ll be able to restrain it much longer.  It really feels like everyday is harder than yesterday.

I’ll try to write more, but it’s really hard when there’s nothing to say.

Paying a debt

13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”

Nathan replied, “The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. 14 But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.”

2 Samuel 12-13 – Nathan Rebukes David

More on this later….

Later……..

I meet with a couple of very good friends every couple of weeks or so, whenever our schedules can all match up.  We basically have a little sit-down, informal discussion on how we are doing and how our relationship with the Lord is.  It’s been a very healthy thing for me to do, especially of late.

Going to these meetings, the ‘leader’ gets these little handouts for us.  It’s called Men of Integrity.  Can be found here:  http://www.christianitytoday.com/moi/

Anyway, I was reading through it last week sometime, catching up on a few of the articles in there when I got to this one by Perry Noble.  It is as follows:

What he Said … A Misguided and Damaging Belief

Having served in ministry for more than two decades, I’ve seen a common idea that simply isn’t true dominate the landscape of the church. And in my opinion, it’s one of the most damaging beliefs a Christian can hold.

Here’s the false idea: “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

I suspect we’ve all had this concept pitched to us at some point as one of the key principles of the faith. We’ve heard it from the lips of other Christians; we’ve read books about it; we’ve seen the phrase on bumper stickers. But I’m telling you, it simply doesn’t ring true—from the standpoint of human experience or from God’s Word. When we buy into this false idea, it only leaves us confused, frustrated, and angry.

The truth is, God often allows us to face more than we can handle. But it’s not because he’s cruel or heartless. It’s so we’ll stop trying to live life on our own strength and learn to depend on his.

Key Study Passage: 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

The little booklet has articles like this set up on a daily basis.  This particular one was dated April 7.  The 1st anniversary of Masons death.

I’ve always heard that God won’t give you more than you can handle.  Maybe that’s not true.  I guess God won’t give you more than He can handle.  That sets the bar pretty high, cause He can handle anything.  Everything.

So, maybe I’m wrong, but my interpretation of that is that God will overload us to teach us a lesson.  Just like he taught David a lesson.  Again, I’m no angel.  I’ve done some bad things in my life.  But, I think I could have gotten by with an easier lesson.  I’m still not sure what the ‘lesson’ is supposed to teach me.

All I know right now is that I am in a very dark place right now.  I spend too much time alone, away from my family.  During my time away, I have an idle mind.  Idle minds are a dangerous thing.